Resident Evil: The Big Mess o' Plot: a play?
by maximillian arthur
Summary: A little experiment--what happens when you stick a smattering of beloved RE characters together and force them to put on a play loosely following the games? This is one senselessly goofy take on it. Rated T for a totally stupid plot and abundant cursing.
1. cardboard trains and lisa's chains

a/n

Alright, kids. Here's my catharsis: something totally stupid and atypical of my writing style that I can just laugh at and have fun with. A disclaimer: a totally stupid plot, abundant cursing, and l33t-speak ensue. No offense is intended towards any demographics, although this is so totally silly I doubt anyone would take it seriously. :p.

Oh yeah: this is an 'update' of an old fic I wrote several years ago on an old account. Search for the penname 'Aero19' if you're morbidly curious.

---

_The silhouette of a tall, sturdy man appears onstage, walking forwards through a wavering waft of smoke. This is all very dramatic, but the figure trips over a cord and the fog machine splutters out._

?: Shit…

_The figure kicks the machine violently, then quickly shoves the cord back in. The fog returns._

?: You've already joined Jill, Chris, Claire, Leon, Rebecca, Bruce, Ada, and perhaps even Barry in that godawful Gaiden game, as they struggled to survive against the hordes of undead. But have you ever wondered…WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEBODY CRAMMED THEM ALL INTO ONE MORONIC LITTLE GAME?

_An evil laugh sounds from nowhere in particular._

?: Well…yeah. Didn't think so. Whatever. You know, even big-time zombie game stars like me have to build up a pension somehow. It's going well so far, though. Hello retirement in 2020! Man, I've been in so many fics that I could pay the entire cast of Friends to strip for me. My name is…

_The spotlight behind the figure flickers off, but one illuminates him from the front, revealing…_

Billy: Billy Coen! LOLZ! You thought I was Wesker! HAHAHA n00bs! HAHAHAHA!

Spotlight: Shut up.

Billy: o_O Did that light thinger just speak?

Spotlight: NO.

Billy: Huh. Well, WTF do I care? My IQ is so low, it…um…it sucks! Let's start Act I!

_A magical floating sign wafts onstage, with the words 'Act I: HEY LOOK IT'S A SLIMY THINGER!' written on it._

Billy: Heeheehee! I'm in this one!

_The stage darkens a little, and young S.T.A.R.S. member Rebecca Chamber swalks out._

Rebecca: Bunnies, bunnies…

Billy: HAHA! Becky's retarded! HAHAHA!

_Quickly, Albert Wesker runs onstage, and shoots Billy with a silenced berretta._

Wesker: I PWN EVERY RE PARODY! On a side note, this fic is not intended to be offensive to mentally handicapped people, chickens, Becky, or anyone infected with (a.) the T-Virus, (b.) the G-Virus, or (c.) Las Plagas. Barry and those with the T-Veronica virus, however, should take offense. God, I better be paid well for this…

Rebecca: Lalala, lollipops, puppies and rainbows…erm, Wesky, don't we need Billy for most of the story?

Wesker: o_O Aww, crap…well, I'll have to be Billy then. MORE AIR TIME FOR ME!

Spotlight: STFU BIATCH.

Wesker: Well, aren't you an ass. Anyways, go ahead Rebby.

Spotlight: …Rebby?

_Pointlessly, Rebecca throws a conveniently-nearby pickaxe at the spotlight, breaking it into many, many tiny little pieces._

Rebecca: LOLZ! I PWN!

_She begins skipping about in little circles. Wesker sighs, and pulls a cruddily-made cardboard train out from offstage. Rebecca looks at the pitiful prop and giggles._

Wesker: Erm, it's Barry's…

Rebecca: Yeah, and I'm a donkey. Oh yeah! Line!

_She pulls out a dog-eared script._

Rebecca: OH _NO,_ my plane has crashed; it…aww, damn, part of my script's cut off, crappy photocopying…aha! Oi, look over there! It's a train!

_Wesker moves the train up and down, spitting and spluttering fiercely as he does so. A puddle soon forms on his several hundred dollar Italian leather dress shoes._

Wesker: VROOM! VROOM!

Rebecca: Erm, it's supposed to be stopped…

_Wesker freezes, a bead of spittle hanging from his lips._

Wesker: Erm…Barry did it.

Rebecca: Wesker…what's with you and Barry?

Wesker: WHAT?! NUTHIN U N00B.

_Rebecca sighs deeply and shakes her head at him._

Rebecca: (aside) Aren't I supposed to be the retarded one?

Wesker: Uhh…I'm Billy Coen…um…

Rebecca: HEEY IT'S STILL MY LINE!

_She starts singing _It's My Life_ at the top of her lungs._

Wesker: Oh, this is just so frickin' great…

Spotlight: THIS PLAIE SUXORS!

Wesker & Rebecca: WHAT?! I PWNED YOU!

Rebecca: …and must we all l33t-speak?

Spotlight: Tea!

Wesker: Wtf…

Rebecca: Mmm…T-Bags…

_The spectre of Billy floats onstage._

Billy: WHOOOO!

Wesker/Rebecca/Spotlight: OMFG!

Billy: Ya…I'm a ghost…

Rebecca: I don't care, n00blet…oh, Spotlight dearest, are you a ghost as well?

Spotlight: Well dearie, I could not tell you. All I know is that I've started to feel somewhat like a very British grandmother since you hit me with that pickaxe…

Wesker: WESKER!

Wesker: Yes?

Wesker: Give me more lines! I don't talk enough!

Wesker: Yessir, right away Mr Wesker, sir. Say…umm….

Wesker: What is it?

Wesker: Umm, are you doing anything tonight? Wanna…grab a drink or sumthin'?

Wesker: Well, yeah, ok. Eight fine?

Wesker: That's…that's great, yeah!

Rebecca/Spotlight/Billy's Ghost: WTF?

_The heavily-mutated Lisa Trevor chooses this moment to waddle onstage._

Lisa Trevor: Unnnghhhh…

Wesker: Ahh

Billy: Ahh

Spotlight (Granny?): Ahh

Rebecca: Ahh…oh, LOLZ! Lisa, go away, you're in Act II.

Lisa Trevor: MOMMY!

Wesker: Alright, already! Let's hurry this up…

_He shoots Lisa in the forehead._

Lisa Trevor: DADDY

Wesker: AHH FUGLY

_Wesker runs away._

Lisa Trevor: DADDY :(

Rebecca: ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY SHADDUP! Lisa, GTFO. Wesker, GTF…back here! Billy, respawn or go to your last ink ribbon or whatever it is you have to do! We need some more PLOT DEVELOPMENT! Nobody's interested in our plaie!

_Wesker slinks back onstage, and Billy becomes corporeal again with a strange POOF sound._

Spotlight: Oh my, I'm so uninterested that I could just faint!

_Rebecca throws a Hot Pocket at Spotlight and stomps her feet like she's having a tantrum._

Rebecca: SHUT UP! IWANNAGOTRAIN!

Wesker/Billy: I'll train you…

_Rebecca walks in the cardboard train. A pixellated loading screen later, the stage is set inside a nicely-decorated car—well, except the carpet is pretty ugly. Can't win 'em all._

Rebecca: Okay. Billy, I'm not supposed to know you yet so leave. Wesker, nobody needs you anymore so go and date yourself or something. Spotlight, light me up.

_Various grumblings ensue as these orders are followed._

Lisa Trevor: (offstage) unnGGGHAghhhh!

Rebecca: Oh Snap, there's a dead body!

_The Corpse stands up._

Corpse: grrroooannnn

Rebecca: …Okay, that's screwed. Anyways…Blamma!

_She mimes shooting the Corpse in the head with a pencil_.

Corpse: unngh

_The Corpse sits down._

Rebecca: Pwned….AAHHHHAHHHHHHHH!

_Something jumps in through the window, breaking the glass. However, the something's stomach gets stuck halfway through and it has to wriggle the rest of the way through._

Rebecca: Oh, look! You're that guy from my S.T.A.R.S. team that kept touching my thigh!

Spotlight: Erm, I _do _believe he has a name…

Rebecca: Yeah…PERV! Ha! Pwned!

'Perv': Hey…

Rebecca: Sry…Oh, I'm SO not! HA!

'Perv': Rebecca, take some Ritalin and push your ADHD to the side for the moment. The forest is full of…zombies and monsters…

Rebecca: Zombies and monsters…

_'Perv' nods._

Rebecca: Oh, like U, U perv! HA! PWNED!

'Perv': Oh, for fuck sakes…

_He blows a whistle around his neck, then dies. Two fiercely overweight pugs scramble through the broken window, completely out of breath._

Rebecca: OH Fat Puppies!

Pudgy Pugs: Lolz. :P

Rebecca: Aww Cutieful!

_She pets them. The Pudgy Pugs drool contently_.

Billy: (offstage)…Aww, fuck this!

_Billy runs onstage, shoots the pugs, then runs away._

Rebecca: PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSS!

Pudgy Pugs::(

Rebecca: Meh.

_Rebecca walks off down the corridor, all the while singing bits of songs from Chess. _

Spotlight: Classy.

_Soon after, Rebecca sees a dead body, and bends down to take a look-see._

Rebecca: OOH LOOKIES! There's sumthin' in his hand!

_She pries a key out of his stiff fingers—then, out of nowhere…_

?:_hic…_Give me…_hic, hic_—the sample, Leon…_hic_…

_Rebecca turns around to see a very drunken Ada._

Rebecca: ADA?

Ada: Wes_HIC_ker? _hic_

Wesker: Krauser?

Krauser: Leon?

Leon: Ashley!

Ashley: Ada?

Ada:_ hic…_Le…_hic_…on?

_Ada runs away and vomits in the corner._

Leon: Ada?

_Ada continues wretching, but manages to shoot Leon the bird._

Leon: Erm, ok…Jill?

Jill: Chris?

Chris: Rebecca?

Rebecca: Ad-

_Ada gives Rebecca the finger._

Rebecca: Erm, Barry?

Barry: Bella Sisters?

Bella Sisters: HEEYYAHHHHHHH-lisa trevor-HHHAAAHHHHHHH!

Lisa Trevor: unnnggahhhghghhhhh…?

Spotlight: …SPOTLIGHT!

_Everyone pauses for a beat. Then…_

Rebecca: Alright you morons, it's MY scene! Krauser, Leon, Ashley, Jill, Chris, Barry, Bella Sisters, Lisa, Ada, even…yes, even you, Spotlight—GET OUT OF MY CHAPTER!

_Everyone mutters darkly but ultimately leaves—everyone except for Billy, who walks to the corner and stands where Ada was. Cringing, he quickly jumps back from a neat pile of vomit. Rebecca then turns around slowly._

Rebecca: Lieutenant Billy Coen!

Billy: Um, no.

Rebecca: Um…one sec.

_She flips through her script._

Rebecca: HEEY! The rest of the pages are blank!

_Billy flips through his as well._

Billy: Aww, man! What happens next? I haven't even played my own game!

Rebecca: Oh, trust me. You didn't miss much.

_Billy considers this, rubbing a hand over his chin. He then flexes his tattooed arm for all to see, but only Spotlight notices and croons at him from offstage. Billy shudders._

Billy: Hmm. Let's go upstairs. No—wait. You go, and I'll stay here to look like a complete ass for almost getting you killed. Oh, and we have to go up the stairs in the Dining Car. That's back in the other direction. You can access it via the car you entered into.

Rebecca: o_O And…you haven't played your game before?

Billy: Lollypops, puppies and rainbows…

_Rebecca runs away. Billy shrugs and heads out after her._

Wesker: Um, do we have a narrator? No? Well fine then. I'll do it. Um…Rebecca went to the dining car…blissfully unaware that, um…y'know, the zombies and shit…aww, never mind. Who needs plot? All you need in life is a big gun.

_He pats his sniper rifle. _

Barry:(offstage) *cringes*

_Meanwhile, Rebecca stops walking suddenly. Billy walks into her._

Rebecca: I sense a Barry Cringe…

Billy: …WTF?

Old Dude:*sits there*

Rebecca: OMG LOOK…Billy, go downstairs. You're gonna need to save me in a few.

_Billy sings _I Believe in a Thing Called Love_ for no apparent reason, then leaves._

Rebecca: …Weird. Well. Oi, old mate…huh. Am I British now?

Spotlight:*appears* Oh, you got the Brit Fever, darling!

_Rebecca shudders._

Rebecca: Alrighty. Um…sir? Oi…dyahh, I mean, hey, are you ok? I think you are, seeing as how all the others on this train are mindless walking dead. Anyways, my name's Reb-

Old Dude: *stands up, turns into leeches*

Rebecca: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LLOIKE OOOOOMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGG!

_Billy runs onstage._

Billy: Time yet?

Rebecca: No, let there be drama.

Billy: Okey dokey.

_He moseys off down a nearby staircase._

Rebecca: Ok. Um…oh yeah. Ahh, leeches, oh gawd, they're on me…oh, wait, they aren't on me yet. Hey, get on here, you lazy louts!

Leeches:*sit down and write haiku*

Rebecca: GET ON MY BACK!

Leeches: yeah, yeah, fine, lady!

_The Leeches take their sweet time in getting up, but eventually jump on Rebecca._

Rebecca: Let them squirm…let them squirm…OK! You can come out now, Billy!

_Silence._

Rebecca: BILLLLLLLYYYYY!

Leeches: mwahaahaa, disturb us from our haiku, will you?

Rebecca: HAHAHA! Haiku you it like rhymes!

Leeches:…oh…oh yeah! lolz!

_Billy then walks up the stairs._

Billy: Well, I went to the back of the train, and found a hunting gun, two hundred bullets for your handgun, and an ice pick in case you lock yourself in that room over there. *gestures at a nearby door* Oh yeah, I killed the first boss with this handy hunting gun thinger, and grabbed this hookshot so you can go up to the roof and start the train. Then, we'll put these two rings into this briefcase which I also found, grab the card key from inside, and go into the control room to operate the brakes—yeah, the train will have started to move by then. Oh yeah, and I went ahead and beat the game and got lotsa leeches in the minigame, so I grabbed this hardcore Magnum Revolver too. Blows shit up niiice. Like your mom.

Rebecca/Leeches: …um…WTFH?

_Billy frowns._

Billy: I mean…Rebecca!

_Billy shoots haphazardly at the leeches._

Leeches: Don't, you.

_They leave._

Rebecca: …oh…man, you've got good aim! Look, no bullet holes!

_She dances around happily. Billy shoves two strangely-shaped rings in her face_

Billy: Rings.

Rebecca: What?

Billy: Put these rings in this suitcase I'm holding!

Rebecca: But I wanna look around…

Billy: Rings! Now! I'm doing a speed playthrough!

Rebecca: …WTF, mate? I thought this was a play!

Billy: …oh, yeah. Um…

_Billy runs downstairs, then returns seconds later._

Billy: I'm um…the Billy of the first playthrough…um…

Rebecca: Gawd, how did you ever force yourself to play through this game TWICE?

Wesker: *appears* Get on with it! I haven't said anything in over a minute!

Rebecca: But you don't say anything in, what, a good half of the games!

Wesker: Yeah….well…I have files! Don't you have files yet?

Spotlight: Seriously…isn't this a play?

Rebecca: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT, FUCKOS! I SIMPLY CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS! YOU ALL SUCK! I QUIT!

_She walks offstage in a huff, making 'huff, huff' noises to emphasize this._

Wesker: Erm…

_He starts to squeeze into Rebecca's costume. Before he can manage it (and before the pants split over his manly thighs), Jill Valentine jumps onstage and slaps him._

Jill: Oh no, you don't. This is my game now!

_Chris Redfield follows Jill in, slapping Wesker just for the sheer hell of it._

Chris: You do realize that this should be my game now. I mean, I got RE5 which has _much _better graphics than RE3, so _obviously_ people like me better, and 'cuz…um…it's me…

_Hunk jumps into the train from nowhere in particular. He's just cool like that. Come on, you know it's true._

Hunk: No, you don't boyo. Dat's gonna be my game!

_Bruce somehow opens a window from the outside of the train and shoves his head inside._

Bruce: Nope. Me and Fong Ling are gonna make a comeback! In more ways than one…if you get my drift. Y'know…with the sex and all…

_Leon appears, _sans_ cool entrance. He is Leon, after all._

Leon: No way, bro.

Jill: Go away, Leon.

Wesker: Yes. You're too cruel to midgets.

_The train chooses this moment to start moving. This is strange, considering it's made out of cardboard. Nobody present is astute enough to question this. Well, maybe Bruce would have pondered this, but he is currently distracted by scrambling into a moving train from the window. He would have ended up staring at Jill's chest and forgetting it all, anyways._

Wesker: Well, someone has to play the role of Rebecca. The show must go on, after all…so I suppose I'll do it!

_Amidst sudden grumblin's and plans to lynch the asshole who wears sunglasses at night, Rebecca rushes onstage._

Rebecca: Heeeey! You replaced me already?

Spotlight: Hey, Hunk…come down here…I've got…something to show you…

Hunk: Hmm? *ninjas offstage* Oh…oh my…*giggles*

Chris: I wanna see!

Jill: Oh, god…what is this about?

Barry: Now, is this really necessary? Lisa might be watching…

Wesker: Barry, she mutated how many years ago? She's a fully grown woman now, if not a little…

Barry: Fully developed, you say?

Wesker: Um, no…that's not what I said at…

Barry: I must…leave.

Wesker: o_O But what about us?

Rebecca/Billy/Jill/Chris/Bruce/Hunk/Leon/Spotlight:OMFG!

Ada:*appears* LOLZ

Wesker: UMM…NO, I MEAN…um, everyone but um Jill, and…er…Hunk, I guess. Yes. Jill and Hunk, continue the plot.

Hunk: NO

Jill: NO

Wesker: …Why?

Jill: I wanna see what they were laughing at.

Hunk: And I'm not doing _anything_ 'till I get my own game. I shoulda' had RE5. Come on, remember that site where my name was like an acronym for something?

Chris: That was a fan site!

Hunk: Screw you, fanboy's pet!

Wesker: Jill, go look at Spotlight's thinger or whatever the hell it is, then get your ass onstage. Bruce, you're on with her.

_Jill hops offstage, then dashes toward Spotlight. She laughs excitedly._

Bruce: I only work with Fong Ling. Or Ada.

Leon: Asian Fever?

Bruce: No, they can take care of themselves better than any other girl here…why? What's Asian Fever?

Ada: I'm not Asian.

Rebecca: Aren't you drunk?

Ada: …_hic_.

_She flips Rebecca off._

Billy: Ada, why do you keep giving Becky the finger?

_Ada doesn't respond, choosing to flash a nearby floor rug. Leon, feeling neglected, starts singing _Tubthumping_ offkey._

Wesker: FINE! Rebecca, you're rehired. Billy, just pretend you haven't beat the game yet. Now GET ON WITH IT!

Rebecca …I quit, didn't I?

_Lisa Trevor crawls onstage and prepares to moan._

Wesker: NO! BACK IN YOUR BOX!

Jill: Just let her play Rebecca, Weskers.

Creepy Leech Guy: AHEM!

_Everyone looks outside the train, where the Creepy Leech Guy stands impatiently, tapping his foot. He starts singing in a freakishly high-pitched voice. Everyone makes happy noises and fawns over the young rising starlet—well, everyone except for…_

Wesker: …queer…

_Lisa hits him over the head with her chains, knocking him unconscious and chipping his sunglasses._

Lisa Trevor: UNNNGHHHHH!

_All applaud._

Rebecca: Now that Wesker is unconscious, we can all take a little break. Join us nex-

Ada: _HIC_

Rebecca: -t time on Resident Evil: The Big Mess of Plot! Oh christ, it's like a serial TV show now. God help us all.

-----

Is this a play, book, game, or live TV show? Will Wesker wake up? Will Rebecca take her role back? What exactly IS Spotlight's funny thing? Will Ada sober up or at least cease being the stereotypical hiccoughing drunk? Will the Creepy Leech Guy's career take off? WILL THE STORY GO ANYWHERE? Join us next time to find out! (Or don't and forget about it. Same diff.)


	2. vodka fires and drunken liars

a/n

Another 'updated' chapter. I try to throw in some new parts to keep things fresh in my mind, anyways.

---

Rebecca: Look, he's coming to...

_Everybody takes off their party hat and tosses their empties out the window. Ada drools grossly, and Chris pokes her._

Chris: Man...seventeen shots of vodka.

Jill: Pssshhh...seventeen. Don'tcha remember my record?

Chris: Jill, you were seven. You had twenty-five brandy glasses of apple juice at my birthday party, and spent the whole night pissing on the rug.

Wesker: *stirs* unnnghhhgh?

Lisa Trevor: unnnghhhgh!

Billy: Down, girl.

Wesker: ...WTF happened?

Bruce: Oh, Lisa hit yo-

Leon: STFU ur unpopular.

_Bruce runs away in tears. Nobody seems overly concerned about this._

Chris: Lisa hit you. On the head. With the chains.

Billy: o_0 And I said I had a bad IQ...

_Ada vomits again. Everyone groans, but nobody makes a move to help clean it up._

Wesker: She's STILL wasted?

Barry: Well, she did drink a bottle of vodka on top of whatever it was she had before, and there's also the fact this train is hurtling towards some great menacing building at speeds reaching over—

Billy: —PLOT SPOILER!

Rebecca: STFU bitch. Let's just buckle down and get this damn play over with, yeah?

Lisa Trevor: unnnaahhgghha

Spotlight: I'll translate for you dears. She says 'STFU n00b. Daddy Wesky said I was Rebecca'.

Wesker: Why the fuck does that talking spotlight still...still...

Jill: Talk?

Wesker: Yeah, yeah. That's the word.

_Ada laughs suddenly, but is ignored._

Wesker: Yeah. Lisa, take Hunk and stop this train!

Hunk: I told you, NO.

Wesker: …Asswipe. Bruce—

Bruce: Ada or Fong Ling, dammit!

Wesker: FINE DAMMIT! Just take Ada and stop this motherfucking train!

Bruce: o_O Simmer down, man!

_Lisa cries in offense—but it's really more of a moan._

Leon: STFU.

Ada: LOLZ! _hic_

Bruce: Whatever. Lez' roll.

_He runs off, giggling._

Chris: Fifty bucks he's gay…

_Ada stumbles after him, tripping over the body of a pudgy pug._

Rebecca: Somebody should clean those up; they're starting to smell.

Spotlight: SEMICOLON! Well _done_, dear!

Wesker: Kill me…

_By some remarkable miracle, everyone manages to abstain from the horribly obvious 'I'll do it' joke._

-----

_Bruce pulls Ada through the train, towards the control room. Ada's having a jolly good time with it, but maybe that's because she's attempting to talk dirty._

Ada: SEX! LOLZ!

Bruce: Heeheehee…that's clever.

_He manages to pull the briefcase Billy found out of his back pocket._

Bruce: Ada, the rings?

Ada:_ hic!_

_She begins singing _Here Comes the Bride_, but only seems to know the first line. Bruce frowns._

Bruce: Aww, crap.

Ada: HAHAHA!

_She pulls out a handgun and shoots the briefcase twice. It breaks in half, and a shellshocked Bruce is left holding the half with a card key inside._

Bruce: Hmm…you are handy…

Ada: SEX! Lolz!

Bruce: ^_^

_Bruce slides the newfound card key through the electronic lock leading to the conductor's cabin, while Ada makes drunken innuendos about same._

Bruce: YAY I DID IT! I'm _Useful_!

Ada: n00b! HA!

Bruce: …Sex…

Ada: LOLZ! Tee-hee! _hic…_

_They pass through the door—well, Ada stumbles, but hey—and find themselves outside on the deck._

Bruce: Look…corpses…

Ada: LOL THEY R PWNED

Bruce: And slimy. I smell a plot…

Ada: *falls off the side of the train*

Bruce: ADA!

_A second later, he bursts out laughing._

Bruce: Ok, so I'm better off without her…

_He shrugs, and heads into the conductor's cabin. Somehow, Jill is standing there, tapping her foot._

Bruce: Aww, crap.

Jill: Without a chick, you just plain suck. Actually, you just plain suck anyways.

Bruce: Then why did you come? LOL PW-

Jill: I swear, you say pwned and I'll stick a bayonet in your gizzard!

Bruce: o_O

Jill: Look, you ain't funny, so take this nifty new magnetic key thinger to the back of the train and insert it into the emergency brake slot.

Bruce: I miss Ada…

_Jill waves an AK-47 with bayonet mounted at the insolent man._

Bruce: Eep…*leaves*

Jill: Heh…moron…

_She pulls the handbrake, and the train stops._

Bruce (outside): AHHHHHHH!

_He falls off the train with a heavy thud. _

Bruce: Hey, Ada…

Ada: SEX!

-----

_Almost like magic, everyone falls out of the train into a burning basement. None of them look too happy about it, even though they just escaped certain death while several hundred walking dead were trapped and (re-)killed in the wrecked train. People really do take things for granted these days._

Hunk: Huh? Didn't we stop like five minutes before the big, dark, evil, looming mansion that's not the Spencer mansion, but is also owned and operated by the Umbrella corporation?

Bruce: And didn't I fall off the train before we stopped?

Ada: SEX!

Rebecca: Ok, that's getting old now. It was old the first time you said it. You gave birth to an old geezer.

Ada: _hic_

Leon: Jus' give her sum moar booze…she's easier 2 handle dat way. (aside) I'd know.

Billy: Here, just drink this tank of gas. Who needs Molotovs when you have Barry to use as a human shield?

Barry: I resent that comment…

Leon: Ya, well ur a prude, bro. STFU.

Spotlight: Why does every single sentence you say have 'STFU' connected to it, dearie?

Leon: How da fuck did joo get here?

Spotlight: Psychic powers…

Luis: Oi! My line!

Leon: LUIS!

Luis: Ada!

Ada: Wes—_HIC_—ker!

Wesker: _NO_.

Ada: SEX!

Rebecca: Oh, shut the fuck up already!

Leon: That's 'STFU', biatch!

Jill: pwned

Bruce: Omfg…

Wesker: Alright! Everybody just stop being lame and shut up! We need to move the plot along! Lisa, you and Chris will go up and explore the mans…er, 'training facility'.

Lisa: MOMMY!

Chris: Well, what are you gonna do in the meantime? Sic a Tyrant on us?

Wesker: Next act.

Chris: Oh.

Wesker: Yep.

Chris: Well then.

Wesker: Fine.

_Chris stands there stupidly. Wesker taps his foot._

Wesker: GO, DAMMIT!

Chris: Eep…

_He runs off, jumping through fire heroically. A crying Lisa Trevor lurches off after him._

Hunk: So…what do we do?

Leon: Let's make gingerbread houses!

Ada: …sex?

Barry: No, Ada. Drink your gasoline.

Wesker: I'm in my happy place…I'm in my happy place…

-----

_Chris and Lisa are walking through the sewers. Strangely enough, Chris doesn't seem to be too happy about that—he's kicking what he mistakenly thinks to be stones as he goes along._

Chris: Become a member of S.T.A.R.S., he said…being a drifter isn't a job, he said…

Lisa: Unnnggagghhh?

Chris: Oh, Lisa…sorry, just thinking about how my life…_sucks!_

_He bursts into tears. Lisa shifts uncomfortably beside him._

Lisa: Uhhhhgngh.

Chris: Well, ok…you see, I never really wanted to join the S.T.A.R.S., but Barry made me…I was always a quiet, nerdy kid, y'know?—and it turns out that…that he was just doing it for the recruitment bonus! Oh…

_Chris drops to his knees and bawls._

Lisa: Auuugh…

_She stretches out her arms towards Chris._

Chris: Thanks…

_He hugs Lisa, who then grins fiendishly and wraps her chains around Chris' throat._

Chris: AACCAACCCKK… ACKKKKKK…KKK…K…

_A couple of mouthfuls of blood spat up, Chris stops moving._

Lisa: Unggh!

_She drops Chris, then manages to run up a ladder somehow. _

Wesker (offstage):What was that? Jill, Barry, go investigate.

Jill: *sighs* Wrong act…

Wesker: STFU! Go!

_Jill and Barry enter the sewer._

Jill: Oh, no! Barry! Look!

_She points to Chris' body, a crestfallen look tainting her face._

Barry: Uhoh!

_He dashes to the puddle of blood staining the wall and floor beside Chris' body._

Barry: Blood! Hope it isn't Chris'…

Jill: …Um, WTF?

Barry: Hmm…I'm gonna investigate this a little more…You check for Chris through that door, Jill.

_He points to the ladder._

Jill: Um…two things, Barr. One, that's a ladder. Two…turns Barry's head an inch to the right.

Barry: Bloody Shitcakes! It's Chris! Oh, don't worry. He's just sleeping.

Jill: Fucking kill me.

Barry: Well, I'm gonna investigate this a little more. You check for Chris through that door, Jill.

_He points at the ladder again. Jill pauses for a beat._

Jill: WESKER!

_She storms back out of the sewer._

Barry: I hope Chris is ok…

-----

_Jill stomps back into the burning basement, where the rest of the cast are either playing canasta or trying lazily to put out the incredibly dangerous fires._

Jill: WESKER!

Leon: He's not here.

Jill: Shut up, rookie. Where is he?

Leon: Ok, see, that's just weird. You tell me to shut up—and hey, I'm not a rookie—but you ask me where he is? WHAT DO YOU WANT, WOMAN?

_Jill turns to Hunk. He waves at her, and she waves back._

Jill:Where is he?

Hunk: Erm, he said he was slipping away to watch you through a hidden camera with some Birkin dude. Oh yeah, and he wanted to know: can you drive him back to Raccoon after this so he can fly back out around here with you while pretending he wasn't here?

Jill: …slower than the average bear. Screw it. Rebecca, Ada, let's grab a beer.

Ada: SEX

Jill: …Rebecca, let's grab a beer.

Rebecca: SEX

_Jill turns back to Hunk._

Jill: Okay, WTF?

Hunk: Oh, yeah…Ada told her to lighten up, so she drank a box of wine coolers and is now trying to mimic Ada.

Bruce: It's really funny once you notice how much she's getting into it…look, they're swaying at the exact same pace right now.

Hunk: Yeah, you should have heard the synchronized hiccoughing a minute ago.

Jill: Where the hell do we find all this booze?

Spotlight: Oh, I always keep a little devil's sin on me wherever I go, dearie…

Jill: Where's a suicide pistol when you need one?

_She shrugs, then does a heroic jump through a small fire and calls the elevator. The sober crowd waves her goodbye._

Bruce: Does anybody think we should get out of this room? Y'know, follow Wesker and Jill, or maybe Lisa and Chris, or even call Claire and Fong Ling for some good times…

Leon: o_O I always thought you were gay…

Bruce: I hide it well, don't I?

Billy: Hey, you know, you raise a good point! Why aren't Claire, Fong Ling, Ashley, and Sherry here?

Hunk: I blame the Umbrella Corporation!

Bruce: Don't you work for them?

Hunk: …If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all!

_In the corner of the room, a menacing little Fire pops up._

Fire: DA DA DA!

_It runs toward a conveniently-placed bottle of vodka._

Vodka: BLAMMA!

_The vodka explodes with vengeance. Vodka Fire erupts all over the room. Yes, it does indeed work that way. Don't question the Vodka Fire, m'kay?_

Hunk: ADA! What did I tell you about putting your drinks away?

Ada: LOLZ!

Rebecca: LOLZ!

Luis: That's it! I'm going emo!

_He pulls out his knife, hacks some hair off, then withdraws a CD player from his breast pocket and puts on some Linkin Park._

Leon: STFU! Your hair's all wrong! Look at mine!

Vodka Fire: AHEM! Burning here!

Hunk: Sorry…

Vodka Fire: It's okay. Just do better next time…

_The Vodka Fire gallops towards Spotlight rather rudely._

Spotlight: EGADS, I'M BURNING!

Rebecca: NOOOOOO!

_She runs towards Spotlight, but soon learns the valuable lesson that fire is hot._

Ada: Hey, I didn't do th—_hic_…HEY, LOOK!

_She points near the train—well, specifically, under some burning wreckage that was once the train. Maybe it's all the smoke in the room that fogs up their heads such that they don't consider, y'know, leaving the flaming room or something. Anyways, it's Krauser hiding out there. God knows why. He jumps out of the wreckage._

Krauser: Oi! No peeking!

Ada: He's a—burp—chicken!

_She points to his claw. Everyone else turns away from the Vodka Fire and crows around the Chicken._

Rebecca: LOLZ

Ada: LOLZ

Krauser: AM NOT! My wing…er…claw is really strong, ladies! It butchers those psycho chainsaw blokes in The Mercs in one hit!

Ada: LOLZ Krauser's magic claw!

Rebecca: LOLZ I don't even know who he is!

_Hunk frowns, although nobody notices it what with the gas mask and all. He waves his arms like a referee signalling 'NO!', and thwacks Leon in the head. However, nobody cares. _

Hunk: Hey! I'm better in The Mercs than you! I can break necks!

Krauser: Yeah, but you gotta shoot them in the head—_and_ you can only kill one at a time! I, however, can kill as many as I can reach in one hit, no matter how strong they are! Plus, I get to use the compound bow!

Hunk: …Shut up, you roid-raging muscle-bound bimbo!

_Leon laughs, and steps in between the two with a cocky gesture._

Leon: Fellas, fellas, we ALL know that I'm the best Mercs character!

Krauser: …LOLZ!

Hunk: LOLZ!

Ada: LOLZ!

Rebecca: LOLZ!

Luis: LOLZ!

Bruce: LOLZ!

Billy: LOLZ!

Spotlight: LOLZ!

Burning Vodka: LOLZ!

_The roof blows up, and a helicopter lands. Carlos steps out._

Carlos: LOLZ!

_He gets back in and flies off. The roof repairs itself. Nobody questions this because of the smoke they've been inhaling for the past hour._

Leon: LOLZ…what are we laughing at?

Krauser: …LOLZ!

Hunk: LOLZ!

Ada: LOLZ!

Rebecca: LOLZ!

Luis: LOLZ!

Bruce: LOLZ!

Billy: LOLZ!

Spotlight: LOLZ!

Burning Vodka: LOLZ!

Leon: …What?

Bruce: LOLZ…pansy…

Leon: I resent that!

-----

_Meanwhile, Lisa climbs up into the main hall. She's having a gay old time, skipping around and cracking the valuable marble tiles beneath her mass._

Lisa: Unnhgh!

_She walks into middle of room. The Recording starts to play, scaring the hell with her—she flails and breaks a two hundred thousand dollar vase. Why a military training facility-cum-research lab was a good place for a two hundred thousand dollar vase is beyond even the greatest minds of our time._

Recording: YO BITCHES IT'S TIME TO GET BIZ-AY WITH THE MOTTO! Be still. Ok, so unity…no, wait, dicipline makes life…no, that's power…life? Or is it…Well, look! Take dicipline, life, power, and unity and mix them around for a while. Y'know, give them a cup of tea or something. Be hospitable, they might just be important soon. Or something. Hey, why am I even bothering to tell this to you? You're just some fugly retarded girl, anyways. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, BIATCH! Peace out.

Lisa: Um…er…*cries*

_Lisa runs through a random door, and finds herself in a hallway. She runs into a nearby bathroom to cry—well, cry more, that is. She also thinks she has to pee._

Lisa: arrrrghhhh

_A leech man pops up behind her, and taps her on the shoulder._

Leech Man: Boo u!

Lisa: Unnhhgh! (Hey, you're fugly too!)

Leech Man: Mnnnhnnn… (That's not very nice, you know…)

Lisa: Uggh. Hghhhaaggg. Ghh? (Sorry. You just look sorta like me, is all. Wanna hang out?)

Leech Man: Mnnnmy. Ynnnmmmnmo. (Sure. I'm Fred by the way.)

Lisa: Uhhhhhg. Ghhg. Hghaarrrh? (Cool. I'm Lisa Trevor. Will you be my love intrest?)

Fred: Mnonnnyoo… (I would, but as a hive mind composed solely of leeches, I have no reproductive organs of any kind, nor do I have a desire to populate myself wi-)

Lisa: Ugghhghhgh! Haarrggg? Hgggrhhhr… (Alright, alright, I'm sorry I asked! Do you wanna go and kill off some members of STARS, a few wannabe cops, and an escaped convict? Oh, and some odd drunk Asian chick, can't forget her…)

Fred: Mnnno; ynommom. (Sounds good to me; seeing as all I do is hit things with various leeches.)

Lisa: Ugghhgg…(That was an improperly used semicolon…)

Fred: …Myyo! (…STFU biatch!)

-----

_Barry is kneeling by Chris' rotting carcass._

Barry: I hope Chris is ok…

-----

_Jill has found a bottle of Bailey's on one of those platforms a train rotates on. She has gotten so drunk that it is entertaining her to try and remember what the hell the aforementioned platform is called._

Jill: Oh! I finally g—_HIC_—get what LOLZ means now! LOLZ!

-----

_Back in the basement…_

Hunk: D'you suppose we should leave, or at the very least put out the vodka fire?

Spotlight: (burning) YES, PLEASE!

Ada/Rebecca: (singing) Da dha dha da dha dha…MY SHARONA! Da dha dha da…

Billy: Let's light THEM on fire…

Leon: Well…uhhh…I don't really know if I could perform with another guy watching…

_All the sober people in the room turn and gape at Leon._

Leon: Ahh…that's not what you meant, was it?

Billy: So very far off…

Spotlight: PUT ME OUT!

Ada: Oh man…Mama here's losing her buzz…

Bruce: Give her more booze, she's funny. She's the only person I know who actually hiccups when drunk.

_He laughs and prods Ada, who hiccoughs._

Hunk: What about Fong Ling? What does she do?

Bruce: Tiny burps.

Hunk: Ahh…

Bruce: Yep.

Spotlight: I HATE YOU ALL!

Luis: I see the President's equipped his daughter with ballistics…

Billy: WTF? That's completely…that just doesn't make sense…

Luis: No doubt, you're a fucking moron.

Krauser: Anybody for I Spy?

_Hunk sighs dejectedly._

Hunk: This is gonna be one hell of a long parody…

Rebecca: Well—_hic—_join us next time on…

Ada: I LOST MY BUZZ!

Everyone: RESIDENT EVIL: THE BIG MESS O' PLOT!

_Actually, nobody said that last line. Rebecca thought everyone did, but she blacked out and dreamt it. Simple minds._

-----

Will Ada regain her buzz? Will Jill find Wesker? Will Lisa's love interest spawn some balls and notice her? Will anybody else move out of the basement? Will anybody _ever _complete RE: 0? Will we find out what has become of most of the other RE girls? Will we discover if this is a book, show, game, or play? WILL BARRY STOP BEING SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON? Well, we all know the answer to the last one, but as for the rest…find out next time—or don't™!


End file.
